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  • Hold Onto Your Kids

    Hold Onto Your Kids

    Moving from Peer Orientation to Parent Orientation

    As a therapist of four decades there is one issue that baffled me until recently and that is the increased rage in a number of teenagers and parents unable to have any influence on them. Parents were beside themselves and I, as a therapist, felt like I lacked insight as to what was going on, until recently.

    I have been reading a book by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld called ‘Hold on to your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers’. As a mother of a 25 year old son I have experienced many of the challenges, at times as a single parent, that come with children navigating life, friends, drugs, technology, identity, step families, parental separation and so much more. No parent comes with a manual yet it feels as though we have lost trust in our intuition as a parent.

    Children’s attachment needs are trying to be satisfied by their peers who seriously fall short of many layers of attachment requirements to develop into mature adults. Children in our culture today, are moving from parent orientation to peer orientation whereby belonging to a peer groups is conditional on conforming to the group norms (proximity), dress code (sameness), and adhering to particular behaviours (belonging and loyalty). Peers are not warm, or loving in a way a parent is and are unable to offer guidance from experience of having lived that themselves, cannot offer significance, and a feeling as though they matter, love and emotional closeness and being known (psychological closeness). Therefore attachment to peers only satisfies basic attachment needs of a child and that is proximity, sameness and belonging.

    Similarly parents are not as supported by their community as much these days, to then be able to support their children. Couples are easily able to separate rather than guided to make it work. I l know this all sounds very conservative, and it is not aimed to be, there is alot of room for diversity here, it is just that when we lose connection with community as parents we become under resourced, stressed, overwhelmed, lonely and doubt ourselves, which means that we are not as available to helping children navigate the world as they grow up because we are trying to survive. These are the developmental, emotional, behavioural, social, and academic consequences Neufeld identifies when children attach to peers instead of parents.

    Six Levels of Attachment


    Gordon Neufeld describes six levels of progressive depths of attachment, that is how children connect to caregivers and eventually to others. Healthy development involves moving through these levels with safe adults before forming peer relationships. Attachment is through:


    1. Senses (Proximity)

    The child wants physical closeness, eye contact, being held and hearing your voice. This shows up as Wanting to be near you, reaching out for you, bids of connection, touching, leaning, cuddling, watching your face constantly (See Beatrice Beebe’s work) This is the most basic form of attachment—connection through the senses. 


    2. Sameness

    The child wants to be liked. This shows up as copying your words or gestures, anting matching clothes, mimicking your preferences and imitating your routines. You are the model of behaviour the child copies. Sameness helps the child feel secure and connected by aligning with your identity.


    3. Belonging & Loyalty

    To belong to the same “team”, and belong to your team as a parent. This shows up as possessiveness (“This is my mommy/daddy”) wanting to be included in family decisions, claims of loyalty and feeling upset when you favour others. This level cements you as “their person.”


    4. Significance

    To matter deeply to you. How it shows is seeking your approval, wanting to be your helper, asking “Did I do good?” and acting special or trying to impress you. The child wants to feel that you value and treasure them.


    5. Love (Emotional Closeness)

    Expressing love freely, giving homemade gifts, emotional sharing (“I’m scared,” “I’m sad”), seeking comfort, feeling safe and being able to be vulnerable. This is deeper than significance—the child gives their heart.


    6. Being Known (Psychological Closeness)

    This need is to be fully seen and understood. This shows up as confiding secrets sharing hopes, fears, and true thoughts, trusting you with their inner world, wanting to “be known” without social masks. This is the deepest and most mature form of attachment.

    Why Attachment Matters

    Children’s development depends on a secure attachment to caring adults. Children must progress through these stages with adults to form secure, resilient identities. When this bond weakens and adults do not hold these layers, children may start to orient themselves around peers instead of parents. This peer orientation disrupts healthy development because peers cannot provide the stability, empathy, and guidance that adults can. In other words peers can hijack them—leading to peer orientation, and therefore parents no longer are attachment figures and cannot influence them.

    What is Peer Orientation?

    Peer orientation happens when children attach to peers for closeness, belonging, acceptance, and identity, rather than to adults. This leads to insecurity, acting out, and emotional stress. Peer orientation occurs when a child looks to peers—not adults—for:

    • values
    • identity
    • comfort
    • guidance
    • a sense of belonging

    Neufeld argues that modern society encourages this shift by:

    • separating children from parents (schooling, activities, schedules)
    • reducing extended family networks
    • encouraging digital socialization
    • cultural overemphasis on independence
    • overemphasis on independence too early
    • Peer groups replacing family time
    • media and technology amplifying peer connection
    • busy parenting, stress, and screens
    • schools that do not foster teacher–student attachment

    Peer-oriented kids then become:

    • more rebellious or resistant to parental influence
    • prematurely sexualized
    • anxious about peer acceptance
    • vulnerable to bullying and aggression and suicidal when rejected from the group
    • emotionally dysregulated

    Peer Orientation undermines

    • Maturity
    • Empathy
    • Self-acceptance
    • Learning (children learn better when oriented toward teachers, not peers)
    • Resilience

    Children need adults who are emotionally safe, attuned, and consistent; peers are often immature, reactive, and insecure, so peer-centered relationships quickly generate anxiety, rejection fears, and emotional volatility.

    Symptoms of Peer Orientation Rather than Parent Orientation

    1. Emotional Immaturity

    Children cannot give each other the emotional holding an adult and parent can. Peer-oriented children:

    • Stay emotionally young even as they age
    • Struggle with emotional regulation
    • React impulsively
    • Are easily overwhelmed or offended
    • Cannot tolerate disappointment
    • Become highly sensitive to peer reactions

    2. Increased Anxiety and Insecurity

    Children’s sense of security rests on unstable, shifting peer dynamics. Because peers are unreliable attachment figures, a peer-oriented child experiences:

    • Chronic social anxiety
    • Fear of rejection
    • Fear of exclusion
    • Preoccupation with friendships
    • Worry about losing status
    • At times suicidal tendencies due to rejection of peers

    3. Aggression, Bullying, and Hardening

    Peer groups often demand toughness, coolness and reward dominance, not gentleness.
    Peer orientation can lead to:

    • Hardening of the heart (suppressed vulnerability)
    • Bullying or being bullied
    • Posturing, bravado, attitude
    • Acting mean or cold to maintain peer approval
    • Emotional disconnect from parents

    4. Rejection of Adult Guidance

    A child only follows the person to whom they are attached. Therefore if a child is not attached to their parent they do not have influence and cannot discipline or guide a child in healthy ways. If the attachment is to peers, peers set the standards. Peer-oriented children:

    • Resist parental direction
    • Argue and defy authority
    • Prefer peer norms over family values
    • Tune out adults, teachers, and caregivers

    5. Loss of Family Cohesion

    The parent becomes “uncool,” irrelevant, or resented. Peer orientation weakens the parent-child bond.
    This often shows as:

    • Less interest in family time
    • Disrespect or dismissiveness toward parents
    • Keeping secrets
    • Becoming emotionally unavailable at home

    6. Disrupted Healthy Identity Development

    Identity development requires adult mirrors—not kid mirrors. Peers cannot affirm a child’s deeper self. Belonging to a peer is contingent on sameness and conforming. Thus peer-oriented children:

    • Form identity around peer approval
    • Become chameleon-like depending on the group
    • Feel lost or empty without peers
    • Struggle with self-esteem
    • Become overly influenced by trends and social status

    7. Peer Dependency

    Separation from peers causes distress, panic, or irritability and at times suicidal ideation. The child becomes dependent on:

    • constant peer contact (texting, messaging)
    • peer validation
    • being liked or included
    • fitting in

    8. Premature Sexualization

    Children look to peers for belonging and significance in ways they’re not emotionally ready for. Neufeld & Maté warn that peer orientation accelerates:

    • sexual behavior
    • experimentation
    • objectification
    • pressure to pair up
    • early romantic entanglements

    9. Academic Problems

    Attachment to teachers increases learning; attachment to peers undermines it. Peer orientation reduces openness to learning because the child:

    • Resists teacher authority
    • Prioritizes socializing over schoolwork
    • Lacks internal motivation
    • Gets distracted by peer drama
    • Refuses help from adults
    • Sees school primarily as a social arena

    10. Trouble Handling Vulnerability

    This blocks the emotional development needed for resilience. To survive in peer cultures, children suppress vulnerability:

    • Hide emotions
    • Harden themselves
    • Avoid asking for help
    • Shut down when upset

    11. Increased Risk Behaviours

    The child uses peers, not parents, to regulate emotions and choices. Peers are mostly disregulated. Peer pressure becomes more powerful than parental influence, raising the likelihood of:

    • substance use
    • risky behavior
    • reckless decisions
    • online dangers
    • self-harm or dangerous dares
    • seeking belonging in unhealthy groups

    12. Developmental Stagnation

    Peers cannot nurture maturity. Only caring adults can. Perhaps the core problem Neufeld identifies:
    Peer orientation halts maturation.

    Children fail to:

    • develop emotional depth
    • gain confidence
    • internalize values
    • form identity
    • build resilience
    • grow into independence

    The Affect of Peer Orientation Summary

    Emotional: anxiety, insecurity, immaturity
    Behavioral: aggression, defiance, impulsivity
    Social: peer dependency, vulnerability suppression, status obsession
    Academic: resistance to learning, poor motivation
    Family: disconnection, conflict, loss of respect
    Developmental: identity problems, stalled maturation, risky behaviors

    Peer orientation feels socially normal but is developmentally harmful.

    Take the Quiz

    Worried that your child may have orientated to their peers? Click below to take the Quiz

    Peer Orientation ChecklistDownload

    How to Remedy Peer Orientation & Attachment Injuries

    Having seen many parents so distressed that they have no influence towards their children and are subject to violence, abusive behaviour, have to call the police on their children, and completely baffled as to how to change it, here are a few answers.

    Healing attachment injuries involves helping the child return to earlier levels (proximity, sameness) and gradually rebuilding upward.

    Re-Establish the Parent as the Primary Attachment Figure

    1. Collect the child’s attention and affection

    Neufeld calls this “collecting” your child, whereas we call it “connect before correct”. How to strengthen “collecting” is through:

    • Increase warm physical connection: hugs, snuggling, rubbing their back, make warm eye contact, smile, greet them lovingly
    • “Collect” the child whenever reuniting: make eye contact, smile, say their name
    • Create rituals of closeness (bedtime cuddles or stories, morning hugs, welcome home hugs and sitting and finding out about their day)
    • Reduce competing attachments (excessive peer time, unsupervised online life)
    • Show interest in what they’re doing ( As a mum I sed to simply hang out on my son’s bed when he was studying, simply chatting)
    • Re-engage them when they pull away
    • Create rituals of connection (bedtime talks, drives, meals)

    This rebuilds the child’s instinct to orient toward the parent.

    2. Reconnect before redirecting

    Correction works only when the relationship is secure. I wrote an article with the title, ‘Connect before Correct’.
    Instead of discipline first or telling a child waht to do, nagging notice this and switch to connecting first:

    • Empathetic listen their emotional state
    • Show understanding through active and empathetic listening
    • Sit down with them
    • Play a game
    • Try to listen without changing them
    • Discuss things allowing them to come up with options as well as offer options (mutuality, sensitivity)
    • Then guide or set limits

    Your presence needs to feel:

    • safe
    • warm
    • predictable
    • delighted
    • welcoming

    Your child must feel that: “You don’t have to earn your love. You’re wanted here.” This is different to peer groups as children have to conform to certain behaviours to belong to a group and can be easily reject if they do not do so.

    Invite connection without demand, pressure, criticism, competition or comparison, interrogation and lectures. This softens defenses and reopens attachment pathways.

    3. Take responsibility for the relationship

    Children’s brains are developing and as a teenager we have to be their pre-frontal cortex and help them make healthy choices or be then when they get themselves into trouble as they learn to navigate others, drugs, peer pressure, their identity and so much more.

    Adults need to guide the attachment—not wait for the child to initiate. Kids follow adults who feel capable of caring for them. Neufeld and Maté emphasise that children need to rest in their parent’s leadership. “I’ve got you.”

    Peer orientation builds slowly, and it resolves slowly. Consistency, warmth, and leadership rebuild the hierarchy over months—not days. Every moment of connection moves your child back into your orbit.

    This means:

    • You lead with calm confidence.
    • You take responsibility for decisions.
    • You guide without asking permission to guide.
    • You stay steady even when the child is upset.
    • Being emotionally available
    • Being the one who comes toward the child
    • Inviting closeness without demanding it

    4. Prioritise Proximity (But Make It Invited, Not Forced)

    Parents must restore closeness—emotionally and physically. You cannot be an attachment figure from afar. Proximity nourishes the bond.

    Simply hanging out with them, being available after dinner on the couch so your child comes and sits down and outpours the day then gets on with their evening are ways to being to do this.

    Other ways to invite proximity:

    • Spend predictable time together daily.
    • Create rituals (bedtime talks, morning cuddles, after-school check-ins).
    • Engage in shared activities the child enjoys.
    • Sit close; offer physical affection without pressure.
    • Find a hobby together

    5. Reduce Competing Attachments (Gently, Without Shame)

    Peer orientation forms when peers become the primary attachment figures. This is NOT about forbidding friends. It is about restoring the adult as the attachment leader but cannot be done through force, and best to develop respect, trust and availability earlier in a child’s development.

    To shift this:

    • Limit unsupervised peer time.
    • Reduce dependence on digital peer culture (social media, texting, time limits on phones after a certain time of the night).
    • Favour structured peer engagement where adults are present.
    • Encourage connection with multiple caring adults (“the attachment village”).

    6. Developing Resonance with Your Child

    Before guiding the child to change behaviour, elicit help we have to have connection before we have influence, match their emotional state. Neufeld calls this “getting in sync“, or we call it coming into resonance. This is very simply to ‘connect before correct’. As a parent you are developing sensitivity to your child, rather than telling them what to do.

    Connection > correction. Attune first → then guide.

    For example:

    • If they’re sad → speak softly.
    • If they’re angry → be steady and calm.
    • If they’re overwhelmed → slow everything down.

    7. Shield the Child from Premature Independence

    As parents are less supported by their communities, children are asked to be independent earlier. Therefore to shift a child from peer orientation parents need to create a home environment where the child can be dependent again, safely. We are not talking about disempowering them, or doing everything for them but to work with mutuality, guidance and support. Dependency (in childhood) lays the groundwork for true independence later. Peer orientation forces kids into:

    • early independence
    • emotional hardening
    • attachment suppression

    Parents who are move avoidantly attached will more likely value achievements and appearance over connection, and value independence over relationship connection, therefore parents may need to look at their own upbringing, attachment styles and how this effects connection with those around them, including their children.

    8. Be the Answer to Their Needs

    Neufeld says children instinctively follow the adult who meets their attachment needs best. If there is no adult the child orients to their peers for guidance, and with inexperienced friends all sorts of things start to go wrong. When you’re the safe harbour → you become the primary attachment again.

    So ask:

    • “Where can I be more available?”
    • “Where can I offer comfort?”
    • “Where can I make life easier to rest in?”

    Be the one they turn to when they are scared, sad, confused, overwhelmed, excited and proud. These are those moments when we need to pause what we are doing and connect.

    9. Repair Ruptures Quickly and Warmly

    Conflict if not repaired goes into long term memory and with developing brains this creates disconnection, misunderstandings and isolation. Therefore being able to full on your sword as a parent, so to speak, is to admit when you are wrong, when you stuffed up, when you yelled or got overwhelmed and own it to your child, not for them to look after you, but to take responsibility, this not only models but relieves the child of their own world of pain.
    In parent-child relationships, repair is even more crucial. repairing teaches children that the relationship is not threatened and it is safe to stuff at times. “Our connection is safe, even when things go wrong.”

    Repair looks like:

    • Softening.
    • Reconnecting.
    • Acknowledging your part without shame.
    • Showing the relationship is secure despite conflict.
    • Owning your part in the rupture
    • Finding ways to repair and reconnect

    10. Give the Child a Sense of Significance & Specialness

    Parents must delight in their child regularly—without conditions. Delight is attachment glue. We all need to be made to feel special in at least one person’s eyes. Children attach to those who make them feel:

    • seen
    • valued
    • enjoyed
    • wanted

    11. Deepen Attachment Through the Six Layers

    Parents who become mindful of the different layers of attachment find it easier to reconnect with the child at every attachment stage:

    1. Proximity – be physically & emotionally near
    2. Sameness – create shared rituals & interests
    3. Belonging/Loyalty – build family identity (“we”)
    4. Significance – show they matter deeply to you
    5. Love – nurture emotional warmth
    6. Being Known – invite sharing of inner thoughts

    If a child is stuck in any layer, rebuild that layer with intentional practices.

    SUMMARY

    Often parents lack the skills, or modelling in their own lives to be able to communicate in a way that is heard, or navigate conflict in a way where power over is not used. In some sense the software is missing. Therefore programs like ‘Effective Communication Training’ are essential to upgrade our emotional intelligence and social-emotional skills to help our children navigate theirs and our connection with them.

    To re-establish yourself as the primary attachment figure:

    1. Collect the child regularly.
    2. Restore proximity and daily connection rituals.
    3. Lead with warm leadership presence.
    4. Reduce competing attachments without alienating them.
    5. Strengthen all six layers of attachment.
    6. Invite closeness; don’t demand it.
    7. Repair ruptures quickly and warmly.
    8. Be emotionally accessible and deeply caring.
    9. Show delight and significance.
    10. Be patient, steady, and dependable.

    When a parent becomes the child’s emotional home again, peer orientation naturally fades and children are able to navigate the competing forces of peers from the safe place of family. Connection restores itself, children become more regulated as do their parents! They are able to achieve more in a secure functioning environment where they are held by their parents, their brains begin mature in that attachment bubble and able to concentrate and get on with life in a healthy way.

    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Resources

    Supporting Parents

    1. Effective Communication Training 4 part training program

    2. The Authentic Communicator 30 hour certified training program

    3. Addressing distressing beliefs about Children with ‘Inquiry Based Stress Reduction’ programs

    4. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld (Book)

    5. Connect Before Correct by Brenda Sutherland (Article)

    6. Gordon Neufeld Resources for Parents

    7. Chapter One of Hold on to your kids By Gordon Neufeld

    8. Being Our Children’s Answer, with Dr Gordon Neufeld

  • The Neuroscience of Enquiry: How 4 Questions Can Rewire Your Brain

    The Neuroscience of Enquiry: How 4 Questions Can Rewire Your Brain

    Have you ever caught yourself spiralling into stress over a single thought? Maybe it’s “I’m not good enough,” or “They don’t respect me.” That one belief, left unchecked, can shape your emotions, your reactions, your body and even your relationships.


    A single unchecked thought can hijack your entire nervous system! One moment, you’re fine, and the next, you’re spiralling—heart pounding, stomach in knots, mind racing through every worst-case scenario like it’s training for the apocalypse.


    But what if questioning your thoughts could actually change your brain?
    This is where The Work of Byron Katie comes in—a deceptively simple practice that has profound effects on how we think, feel, and respond to life. And science backs it up. From neuroplasticity to emotional regulation, The Work of Byron Katie provides a profound mechanism that can reshape the brain.

    How Stressful Thoughts Get Stuck in the Brain


    Think of your brain like a well-worn hiking trail. Every time you believe a stressful thought, your brain strengthens that pathway and it gets more entrenched. It works like this:
    Negative Thought:“They don’t respect me.”
    Emotional Reaction: Anger, sadness, or withdrawal.
    Brain’s Response: The amygdala (your brain’s threat detector) lights up, reinforcing the belief.
    Cycle Continues: Over time, this thought becomes transparent and automatic.
    Your brain is designed to be efficient—it wants to protect you, so it strengthens beliefs that seem to “keep you safe.” The problem? Many of these thoughts aren’t true. They’re just interpretations of a reality.

    The Work as a Brain-Rewiring Tool


    Byron Katie’s four questionsand turnarounds might seem too simple to be life-changing, but let’s look at what they actually do to your brain:


    1️. Is it true? Interrupts automatic thinking. Forces your prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain) to pause instead of reacting.


    2️. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Creates cognitive flexibility. The brain starts loosening its grip on rigid beliefs, making space for alternative perspectives.
    The first two questions force your prefrontal cortex (the rational part of the brain) to slow down and reconsider automatic assumptions. Our executive functioning, those ambassadors come back online. 


    3️. How do you react when you believe that thought? Activates self-awareness. Your body’s stress response becomes visible—this is where real change begins. The third question builds metacognition, making you more aware of how your thoughts shape your emotional state.


    4️. Who would you be without that thought? Stimulates neuroplasticity. Your brain starts rewiring new pathways, shifting toward calm, clarity, and curiosity.
    And then comes the turnarounds—a plot twist for your mind. Instead of clinging to one rigid perspective, or that well worn hiking trail, you flip it:


    “They don’t respect me” → “I don’t respect them” → “I don’t respect myself.”


    Wait, what? Now, instead of being trapped in blame, you have an opening. A chance to see the situation differently, to experience it differently in the body, have choices again as you begin to find where that is true in your life. 
    Over time, practising The Work weakens old, stress-inducing feedback loops and strengthens new ones based on curiosity, openness, and clarity.

    Meet Sarah: The Thought That Changed Everything


    Imagine Sarah, a university student caught in a relentless loop of self-doubt. Every time she sits down to study, a familiar thought creeps in: “I’ll never be successful.” The more she believes it, the heavier it feels—anxiety sets in, motivation fades, and the cycle tightens its grip.
    One day, she comes across The Work of Byron Katie and, almost sceptically, asks herself the first question: “Is it true?” For the first time, she pauses. Can she absolutely know that it’s true? The certainty begins to crack. As she moves through the four questions, something shifts. The thought that once felt like an absolute truth now feels… optional.
    Her turnaround? “I am successful.” (In truth, there are already ways in which Sarah is successful and is a success and her brain starts to spark (those synapses start rewiring) as she remembers many. Success is not a fixed outcome but an ongoing process).
    OR
    “ I am a success”. (In truth, success isn’t only measured by external achievements. Sarah has grown, learned, and accomplished things in many ways that matter).
    This is not a forced affirmation, but a quiet recognition of truth and endless possibilities.

    Weeks pass, and Sarah notices something strange. The old thought still visits, but it no longer controls her. Anxiety loosens its grip. Motivation returns. Her brain—once locked in self-criticism—is learning a new way forward, not through blind positivity, but through the simple act of questioning the stressful thoughts to see if they are valid or true or not!

    The Science of Inner Freedom


    The beauty of The Work of Byron Katie isn’t just in the relief it brings—it’s in how it rewires the brain for lasting change.
    Reduces emotional reactivity: By calming the amygdala.
    Strengthens cognitive flexibility: By activating the prefrontal cortex and executive functioning.
    Promotes resilience: By fostering new, empowering thought patterns.
    As we dive into the neuroscience of The Work, one fundamental truth emerges: thoughts, in themselves, are neutral. It’s our unquestioned belief in them that causes suffering. When we believe a stressful thought, our brain reacts as if it’s reality—triggering the amygdala, fuelling stress hormones, and reinforcing well-worn neural pathways.

    But as Byron Katie reminds us:
    “A thought is just a thought. It’s not personal until you believe it.”


    This is where The Work becomes so powerful. By questioning our thoughts, we loosen their grip, interrupt the brain’s automatic stress responses, and create space for clarity. Instead of being held hostage by our thinking, we step into the role of observer—curious, open, and free.
    The next time a thought tightens its grip, turn toward it with curiosity. Let these four questions be lanterns in the fog, unravelling the illusions that bind you, rewiring your mind, and leading you back to the freedom that was always yours.

    ~ Written by Ami Besson (Integrative Therapist at The Awakening Group)

  • I Am So Sorry

    I Am So Sorry

    Recently I experienced a deep hurt and betrayal, something I had not experienced for a very long time. What was surprising amongst the directly experiencing the feelings of rage, hatred, anger, hurt and despair was a part of me that was simply watching the experience. I am not talking about dissociation, as I was right in there experiencing all the feels, yet another part was aware of experience of it, the energy of it, the pure energy of the feelings.

    So with the help of a dear colleague, we all need friends in a time of crisis, we began to say sorry to that part of me who experienced the sadness, grief, despair, betrayal, the rage, the feeling of never good enough, trying to prove myself, the rejection, being unseen, unheard, the list was endless.

    When was the last time someone apologised for what they did and it really got in?

    The surprisingly simple result was that the feelings came and went as I directly experienced them, they simply washed through me. So I kept going into the hurt and fears as a child and how this instance related to those unhealed times. What was left was pure energy of me, life itself, peace.

    So I wanted to share this with you in the hope that those very challenging experiences get easier and you do not lose yourself in the midst of distress and heartbreak.

    Find the Part of You Who Is Distressed

    Take a moment to drop into your body, just how it is, with all the feels, and simply notice that there is a part of you distressed, overwhelmed, confused, hurting…etc

    Breathe with that part, maybe even put your hand on your heart to support that part.

    Begin to say to this part quietly within, whilst adding your own feelings:

    “I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”

    Drop into the feeling, deeply allowing that part of you to experience how it is/was, as well as acknowledging how it is for that part. Saying yes to that part who tries so hard to have their story told, and how it was/is for them.

    Then to say the sentence out loud to that part. “I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”

    Drop into the next feeling and what is there and repeat the process, each time directly experiencing, surrendering to the feeling in the body with that part, like holding a friends hand whilst they grieve.

    Apologising

    Here are some examples of feelings and ways to acknowledge the reality of that part:

    “I am so sorry you felt betrayed….”

    “I am so sorry you were made to feel ……”

    “I am so sorry they didn’t see you….”

    “I am so sorry you never felt enough……”

    “I am so sorry you felt as though you didn’t matter…..”

    “I am so sorry you……”

    “I am sorry you…”

    Keep going until there is just peace.

    This work is inspired by Internal Family Systems Therapy, Compassionate Key work as well as the Hawaiian healing practice, Ho’oponopono, one of forgiveness and reconciliation that restores harmony within you and around you.

    Daily Practice

    When things get tough, a daily practice is essential to keep vigilant in meeting the energy that is struggling to be digested, integrated and felt. Add complex grief in there, where trauma is intermixed with grief, you have a wild ride of feelings.

    Taking time to sit with the parts of us who got hurt, frightened, overwhelmed and distressed, to connect to that part and apologise helps create new neurological pathways, burns up cellular memory and uses memory reconstruction to heal long forgotten parts of us that still get triggered in our everyday life. What shows up is the experience of coming home to yourself and the peace of who you really are.

    You may like to set some time aside everyday to sit and connect with this part, to drop into the body and begin to find the feelings trying to be seen and start to say, “I am so sorry you feel so frightened (insert your feeling here)”, “I am sorry you felt like you…….” etc

    Then see what changes in your life.

    _______________________________________

    Written by Brenda Sutherland (Founding Director of The Awakening Group)

    We would love to hear what changes in your life. Simply add your comments below.

  • Connection Rituals – Keeping the Juiciness Alive in Relationships

    Connection Rituals – Keeping the Juiciness Alive in Relationships

    One of the questions asked in couple therapy is what connection rituals do you have? Keeping the juiciness of intimacy alive is paramount in sustaining couples in their challenging and stressful, worlds. 

    Maintaining a secure functioning relationship means taking care of the relationship with the understanding that ‘love is a verb’, as Esther Perel would say.

    The avoidant-anxiously attached partner would normally run at the idea of ritual, as they often feel trapped and swamped by commitment, yet connection rituals free up time for more alone time. Rituals reduce the amount of avoidant’s deactivating strategies such as focusing on small imperfections, flirting with others, pulling away when things are going good, checking out mentally and avoiding physical closeness.

    For the ambivalent-anxiously attached partner these rituals reduce protest behaviours such as excessive attempts to re-establish contact, punishing by withdrawing, keeping score, acting hostile, threatening to leave, manipulation and making the other feel jealous. These connection rituals soothe their fear of abandonment, relieving their nervous system to then allow more space in their life and their partners life. 

    Rituals are supportive for both partners nervous systems and essential in keeping the relationship connection alive and juicy.

    THE BASICS

    These little daily rituals create a big difference in relationships. We often create conflict due to the way we move towards and away from each other, it’s not personal, we are simply wired to each other for our survival. If partners do not manage these movements they start fighting due to the ruptures created and the need for connection or space.

    1. Launching the Day – What is one thing that you can do that creates that juicy connection with each other at the start of each day? For example: eye gazing in bed, coffee on the deck, a shower together, a morning walk, making love. Negotiate and agree upon a ritual that you both commit to every morning. As an avoidant I often feel like squirming out of this one as I like to go running or swimming early in the morning, disappearing into my own space, but I pay the price in my relationship if I do. I miss the juicy connectedness that energizes me for the day. So if you have an avoidant partner give them an escape route ie; “I don’t want to stop you from your day, you just need to give me a hug before you go”
    • Welcome Home Hug – Our worlds are busy, there are a lot of issues to deal with throughout the day, decisions we have to make and pressures put on us creating stress. Calling upon each other to recalibrate ourselves from the demands of the day ensures we do not bring the stresses into the house and emotionally indulge in trying to get the feelings out. So the first thing on arriving home is to seek the other out and give each other a ‘Welcome Home Hug’. This is a hug where you don’t let go until the other is completely relaxed. One way of doing this is to relax your own nervous system and the other begins to relax (in this way we are using mirror neurons to recalibrate each other’s nervous system). “If In Doubt Hug it Out”
    • Landing the Day Together – Soothing each other’s nervous system in the evening can include putting each other to bed, watching a movie together, walking in the evening, reading together, discussing your day. If you are parents with children, allocate a space in the house that when you are seated there you are not to be disturbed, unless it is very urgent! Discuss and negotiate this ritual with each other as it has to work for both. Also note that going to bed at the same time together means that you regulate each other’s nervous system so the one that usually is a night owl often finds they sleep better.

    The key in establishing these rituals is the commitment by both of you in the relationship. If there is a mutual agreement then both are responsible for upholding it. If there is no agreement come back to the drawing board and find what works for you both. If one partner is not interested, you have a problem in the relationship being tipped towards ‘pro-self’ rather than ‘pro-team’. 

    Secure functioning relationships are based on mutuality, fairness, justice and sensitivity. 

    The motivation is that secure functioning relationships allow you both to be better in the world, achieve more, hold more, play more and work effectively as a team whist protecting each other in public and in private. Isn’t that the reason you are in a relationship? Remember, this is a ‘We’ gig not a ‘Me’ gig.

    THE JUICE

    Giving time for weekly rituals sustains your relationship so it sustains you, despite what an avoidantly attached partner thinks. It frees up resources to be able to be better in the world and with each other.

    Ideas for rituals throughout the week could be

    • Eye gazing (Soul gazing)– We all want to be seen, to feel as though we matter and thrive on secure connection. “I see YOU, you have my full attention” is portrayed in taking the time to really look at each other and breathe each other in. 
    • Random acts of affection – Long passionate kisses, flirting etc in private or public – check whether your partner is comfortable with signs of affection in public. This can be done whilst passing in the hall, or coming out of an office into the house and family.
    • Shared Hobbies – what do you love doing together? Make time for this on a weekly basis.
    • Plan for quality time over quantity – Saying when you need ME time/space or more connection. Negotiate connection and space from each other. Remember behaviour is propelled by needs. Therefore ask when there is a need for more connection or space rather than fighting for it.   
    • Making a meal and enjoying it together, switching off phones and screens just enjoying each other’s company.
    • Cuddling in bed – Even when tired, making the effort to physically connect and hold each other. 
    • Radical Honesty – Energy is wasted by not being truthful. Relationship WE checkups. Not to be done in bed, find a space to do this and meet once a week. A question to ask is: How can I be better in our relationship? What have you loved me doing, or being this week?
    • Exercise Together – What do you both like doing together? Create something and do it regularly. Examples are biking walks, kayaking, swimming followed by a meal a few times a week.
    • Dates – whether it is for coffee, breakfast or dinner or pleasure pauses throughout your work day, make time for novel experiences throughout your week. It amplifies your connection and creates great stories
    • Games – there are a number of couple adventure or bedroom games. Add laughter and adventure into your relationship.

    One of the myths we have is the difference between co-dependency and interdependency. Interdependency does not sacrifice an individuals needs. Rituals give us the inspiration, love and energy to be better in the world as it shores up resources. 

    FESTIVE SEASON RITUALS

    • Watch each other’s favourite seasonal movies or shows 
    • Prepare a themed meal and enjoy it together, distraction free 
    • Take a walk around your neighbourhood and admire the Christmas lights and different stress decorations 
    • Find a local volunteer opportunity to start together or contribute to over the festive season
    • Start a two-person book club and read a book together 
    • Share what you’re thankful for with your loved ones 
    • Create your own festive season tradition!

    A FEW STEPS

    How are you going to revitalise, nurture and keep your connection alive over the new year?

    Make time to discuss what connection rituals work for you both.

    Set them up and trial it for a week and then review at the week what works and what doesn’t and alter accordingly.

    Keep creating rituals that take care of the relationship and the “WE” gig.

  • The ‘F’ Word

    The ‘F’ Word

    Feelings! We don’t like to think about them, feel them, acknowledge them, and yet they remain, and at times completely take over our experience of ourself.

    Some people go so far as to completely try to avoid them, resulting in high anxiety. Some default to anger in the hope of gaining some sense of safety from other distressing feelings. Some leave their bodies to ensure nothing is felt. Some people drink, take drugs to escape them. Yet the fact remains – we all have feelings!

     

    What are Feelings?

    Dr. Bryn Farnsworth describes feelings as the conscious experience of emotional reactions. While emotions are associated with bodily reactions that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain. Paul C Holinger M.D. outlines a range of definitions trying to capitulate the complexities of emotions including: Sensorimotor reflexive, Sensorimotor enactive, Preoperational, Concrete operational and Formal operational.

    Much research has compared feelings with emotions and their differences, depending on emotional and cognitive development.

    If you are not a neuroscientist or neuropsychologist and you are just wanting a quick definition, the bottomline is they are ‘electrical energy’ in the body. How they move, or get stuck in the body is the key to being a slave to them or being a master of them.

    Mastering Feelings

    What to do with feelings is the real mastery!

    Firstly, the mind works vigilantly looking outwards for a way to get rid of these feelings, resulting in feelings being resisted, which in turn locks them in the body as energy, pain and anguish. We try to change our environment, the people around us, our mind etc, yet feelings remain. Literally what we resist persists!  Turning the mind inwards means there is no resistance to the feelings.

     

    Try This For A Minute

    Instead of turning your mind outwards to change people or places turn your mind inwards and surrender to the feeling. Now the trick is, you cannot ‘do’ surrender with the mind. This is definitely not the realm of the mind. The step the mind can do is simply turn inwards. Then for a moment let go into the feeling with your whole being. Stop and Drop into it. Surrender. Not with any particular outcome in mind, other than to let the feeling have you. No resistance. For one moment don’t pick up anything or move away from the feeling, let it overtake you. tricky for the mind as it thinks it will die at times. What happens then?

    No resistance to energy means the energy simply flows through you. The ultimate alchemy of the soul! At times anxious can be transmuted into bliss simply by surrendering.

    I know it sounds easy, but the mind always makes things more difficult. So without the story the mind tells you, simply directly experience the feeling….What happens?

     

     

    Bibliography

    Farnsworth, Bryn PhD., April 2020. How to Measure Emotions and Feelings (And the Difference Between Them)  https://imotions.com/blog/difference-feelings-emotions/

    Holinger, Paul C., M.D. March 2016, What Are Feelings? How are they related to drives or instincts? https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/great-kids-great-parents/201603/what-are-feelings

  • ‘Mental Health Wellness Tips for Quarantine’ by Eileen Feliciano

    ‘Mental Health Wellness Tips for Quarantine’ by Eileen Feliciano

    After having thirty-one sessions this week with clients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can’t control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.
     
    1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.
     
    2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.
     
    3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.
     
    4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!
     
    5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!
     
    6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!
     
    7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.
     
    8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.
     
    9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.
     
    10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.
     
    11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.
     
    12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.
     
    13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.
     
    14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.
     
    15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.
     
    16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.
     
    17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.
     
    18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.
     
    19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.
     
    20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!
     
    21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.
     
    22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.
     
    23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.
     
    24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.
     
    25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?
     
    ——
     
    I was surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology. Eileen Feliciano, NYS psychologist: