{"id":104023,"date":"2022-09-14T05:20:24","date_gmt":"2022-09-14T05:20:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/awakening-com-au.us.stackstaging.com\/?p=104023"},"modified":"2022-09-14T05:20:24","modified_gmt":"2022-09-14T05:20:24","slug":"top-10-keys-to-couples-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awakening.theteamserver.com\/lms\/2022\/09\/14\/top-10-keys-to-couples-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 10 Keys to Couples Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"

Who taught you how to be in relationship? Who modelled communication skills to you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know about you but I rarely saw my parents communicate effectively. It was either avoided or it was blaming and shaming or power over\u00a0employed.<\/p>\n

My parents fumbled their way through post war survival and had little in the way of communication skills, it was all about survival back then. Talk about needs and they look at me sideways, they simply got on with it. It is no wonder I had, and it is probably the same for many of you, little to no communication skills that kept me secure and connected. Without secure modelling our brain\u2019s default is blaming and shaming, power over (aggressive), or non-assertive, or passive aggressive, in order to attempt get a need met! But there is a price one pays in the relationship.<\/p>\n

My own experience of communicating was completely lacking competent skills. The idea of confronting my partner or anyone else in regards to an issue I was experiencing in relation to them, caused 70% anxiety to the point that most of the time I would become non-assertive, my mother\u2019s default. I later discovered that not talking triggers the other person\u2019s nervous system. It was a losing strategy, and one where no one got their needs met!<\/p>\n

About 24 years ago I learned advanced communication skills developed by Dr Thomas Gordon, who was trained by the father of humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers, and was nominated three times for the noble peace prize for his work in communication. These skills saved me, and reduced my anxiety in confronting, disclosing and connecting in relationship to about 25%.<\/p>\n

What reduced it even more was learning neuroscience, attachment styles and arousal regulation from Dr Stan Tatkin as I trained as a psychobiological couple\u2019s therapist. The combination is life changing so much so I would like to share a few gems that really helped me and I offer couples who come and see me. They are designed to help keep you safe, stay connected whilst maintaining the self-esteem of both partners in the relationship. It maintains a protective membrane, couple bubble, so we can be better in the world.<\/p>\n

10 Top Keys to Couple Communication<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n
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  1. We are in Each Other\u2019s Care \u2013 Developing Governing Principles<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Most couples when I ask if they have shared principles that govern their relationship they look at me blankly. As a couple, in most cases, you share finances, assets, your body, your home, your time etc and yet we don\u2019t treat it with the respect it requires \u2013 in many ways it is business. I know this doesn\u2019t sound romantic, but the reality is shared governing principles keeps everyone safe.<\/p>\n

    A couple is a cooperative team, it is pro-team based on mutuality, fairness, justice and sensitivity, rather than pro-self. For some this is a difficult adjustment as most have no modelling as to what a relationship based these principles looks like.<\/p>\n

    You cannot resolve relationship issues by yourself. I often see this in therapy where one partner will come to therapy, but it is simply their interpretation of what is happening that they are coming to address, not necessarily what is happening in the relationship. Mutually agreed upon governing principles are co-created to move from a \u2018Me\u2019 gig to a \u2018We\u2019 gig. They become guiding parameters that in times of stress and conflict a couple fall back on to guide them, to ensure everyone is taken care of whilst maintaining an environment of safety. Click here for Ideas<\/a><\/p>\n

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    1. Love Brings You Together, Values Pull You Apart <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Joe Demartini created a values questionnaire to bring awareness to how values drive connection. If couples do not outline their values at the beginning of the relationship and they are different they will be the undoing of a relationship within 4 to 7 years of getting together, or when children have left home, if you have children. Values collisions are the most difficult to resolve as they are loyal to a bigger family system. They show up in relation to discipline, money, socialising governing the interaction between family and friends, mess and so much more.<\/p>\n

      Here’s a few questions to get you started:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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      1. How do you fill your space?<\/li>\n
      2. How do you spend your time?<\/li>\n
      3. How do you spend your energy?<\/li>\n
      4. How do you spend your money?<\/li>\n
      5. Where are you most organised?<\/li>\n
      6. Where are you most reliable?<\/li>\n
      7. What dominates your thoughts?<\/li>\n
      8. What do you visualise most?<\/li>\n
      9. What do you most often talk to yourself about?<\/li>\n
      10. What do you most often talk to others about?<\/li>\n
      11. What inspires you?<\/li>\n
      12. What goals stand out in your life and have stood the test of time?<\/li>\n
      13. What do you love to learn or read about most?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        Take the quiz and discuss with your partner, find commonalities and your differences too. The differences in values how can be negotiate around the values differences together? Click Here to listen to the podcast and take Brene Brown’s quiz\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

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        1. Agree to Fight Fair <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          I once asked Dr Stan Tatkin about domestic violence in a relationship. His answer: \u201cIf you can regulate your nervous system outside the house, then violence in the house is an indulgence!<\/em>\u201d Check yourself at the door \u2013 would I be speaking to my best friend like this? If not, don\u2019t talk to your partner like it. They are not there for you to emotional indulge so you feel better. There will be consequences as one person loses. Are you prepared to pay the price in your relationship of your indulgence?<\/p>\n

          What are your rules of engagement? When you get stressed and trigger each other what have you mutually agreed to do. We all fight in some way in relationships, the key is managing it with fairness, justice and sensitivity. Here\u2019s some tips:<\/p>\n